My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.