Women are made to be loved not understood.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.