Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.