It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Men are as faithful as their options.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.