There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
