Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.