I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.