If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

No good deed goes unpunished.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.