I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.