The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?