Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Men are as faithful as their options.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.