May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.