It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.