Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.