There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.