Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.