I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.