You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.