If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
Men are as faithful as their options.
I will not join any club who will take me as a member
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.