No good deed goes unpunished.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.