Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.