Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.