You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?