Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.