Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.