You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.