What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.