I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.