When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.