Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.