A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Men are as faithful as their options.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.