If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.