I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.