I will not join any club who will take me as a member
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.