A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
No good deed goes unpunished.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.