I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.