Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

No good deed goes unpunished.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?