I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.