Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.
I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.
If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.
Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.