No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.