I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.