Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.