I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.