All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.