Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.