My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.