A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?