You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Iíve been bitten by a python. It wasnít a very big oneÖ
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.