My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

I'm single because I was born that way.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion