Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.