I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

No good deed goes unpunished.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.