We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.