Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.