I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.