Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.