May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?