The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.