Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.