[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.