Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.