I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I'm single because I was born that way.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.