A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.