If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.