Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I'm single because I was born that way.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.