The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.