Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.