Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.