Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.