Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.