No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!