I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.