I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.