I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.