What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.