He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.