Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.