Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.