When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.