Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.