There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.