You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.