I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.