This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.