Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

No good deed goes unpunished.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.