The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.