It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Men are as faithful as their options.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.