I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Men are as faithful as their options.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.