Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Men are as faithful as their options.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.