I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.