I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.