I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.