The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.