Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'