Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

No good deed goes unpunished.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'