It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.