It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.