A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down
Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.