If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Men are as faithful as their options.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.