If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.