If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.
If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
Sex is an emotion in motion.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.
Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
You live but once; you might as well be amusing.