A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Women are made to be loved not understood.
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.