Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
I'm single because I was born that way.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.
To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.
The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I drink to make other people more interesting.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.