Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.