I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.