I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.
Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps
I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.