Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.