I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.