The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.