No good deed goes unpunished.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money