Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.
An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.
I'm single because I was born that way.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.