A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.