Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps