I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
It is better to be alone than in bad company.
I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.