The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.