I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.