If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.