God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.
A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!