Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.