What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.
When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.
Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.
I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.