Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.