If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.