There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.