The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.
I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.
When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!
We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.
It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.
Itís a terrible thing to appear on television Ė because people think you actually know what youíre talking about!
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.