If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.