I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

Sex is an emotion in motion.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.