Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.
When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.