When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.
As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.
I awoke one morning and found myself famous.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I'm single because I was born that way.
A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
He could not see a belt without hitting below it.
I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.