If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I'm single because I was born that way.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.