The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.