I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.