A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.