No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member