I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.