In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

No good deed goes unpunished.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.