I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.