If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.