Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.