Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.