When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.