Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.