If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Men are as faithful as their options.
There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.