A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
I've been on a calendar, but never on time.
What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.
The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.
I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Humor is the most engaging cowardice.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.