Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.