Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.