A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Men are as faithful as their options.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.