I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

Men are as faithful as their options.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.