You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.