Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.