I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?