When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.
Cynicism is humour in ill health.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.
Don't look at me in that tone of voice.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.
I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.