The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

No good deed goes unpunished.

Men are as faithful as their options.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.