A day without laughter is a day wasted.

A dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion

A doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

A sense of humour is great - it goes a long, long way in a marriage.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

A smile is the best way to get away with trouble even if it's a fake one.

A writer needs a pen, an artist needs a brush, but a filmmaker needs an army.

Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, it ain't stupid.

Actors search for rejection. If they don't get it they reject themselves.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.

Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex.

And she's got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you will need.

Animals are my friends...and I don't eat my friends.

Anyone who makes up their mind about an issue before they hear the issue is a fool.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask whats for lunch.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Cut my pie into four pieces, I dont think I could eat eight.

Cynicism is humour in ill health.

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

He could not see a belt without hitting below it.

He has a brilliant mind until he makes it up.

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

He's very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Humor is the most engaging cowardice.

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

I awoke one morning and found myself famous.

I believe that every human has a finite amount of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises.

I can't do the same thing every night, the same gestures... it's like putting on dirty panties every day.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

I didn't fail the test, I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.

I do not think you can name many great inventions that have been made by married men.

I do this real moron thing, it's called thinking, and I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it.

I don't pray really, because I don't want to bore God.

I don't want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.

I dont know where I am going, but I am on my way.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep.

I have a perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.

I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.

I have nothing but respect for you - and not much of that.

I have nothing to declare except my genius.

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I live in a neighbourhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

I love great music and art, but I think 'cubist' songs and paintings are hideous.

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I never travel without my diary. One must always have something sensational to read on the train.

I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.

I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments

I used to think anyone doing anything weird was weird. Now I know that it is the people that call others weird that are weird.

I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didnt know.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I will not join any club who will take me as a member

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.

I'm single because I was born that way.

I'm sorry this letter is so long, I didn't have time to make it shorter.

I'm sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It's just been too intelligent to come here.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I've always believed in the adage that the secret of eternal youth is arrested development.

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?

I've learned one thing: you can only really get to know a person after a row. Only then can you judge their true character!

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

If any of you cry at my funeral, I'll never speak to you again.

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

If I play a stupid girl and ask a stupid question, I've got to follow it through, what am I supposed to do, look intelligent?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If you don't read the newspaper, you're uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you're mis-informed.

If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.

If your dog is going to suffer from diarrhea, it will happen between the time the carpet is cleaned for the holidays and the last holiday get-together.

Ill put off readingLolitafor six more years until she turns 18.

Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. 'Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is.

In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

It costs a lot of money to look this cheap.

It is better to be alone than in bad company.

It's a good thing I was born a girl, otherwise I'd be a drag queen.

It's nice to have a lot of money, but you know, you don't want to keep it around forever. I prefer buying things. Otherwise, it's a little like saving sex for your old age.

It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewhere, would much rather you weren't doing.

It’s a terrible thing to appear on television – because people think you actually know what you’re talking about!

I’ve been bitten by a python. It wasn’t a very big one…

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

Life's but short. You might as well be amusing.

Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they're on the same side.

Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Men are as faithful as their options.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry; to get my work done and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return.

My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.

My way of joking is to tell the truth. It's the funniest joke in the world.

Name the greatest of all inventors. Accident.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them.

Never travel faster than your guardian angel can fly.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

No good deed goes unpunished.

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world, not even our troubles.

One thing you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

Only in our dreams are we free. The rest of the time we need wages.

Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it's not all mixed up.

Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

Right now Im having amnesia and dj vu at the same time. I think Ive forgotten this before.

Sex is an emotion in motion.

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

Substitute 'damn' every time you're inclined to write 'very;' your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The best liar is he who makes the smallest amount of lying go the longest way.

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.

The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.

The reason fat men are good natured is they can neither fight nor run.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

The truly free man is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

There are only two types of women: goddesses and doormats.

There are some people that you cannot change, you must either swallow them whole or leave them alone.

There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There's only one rule you need to remember: laugh at everything and forget everybody else! It sound egotistical, but it's actually the only cure for those suffering from self-pity

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

To the uneducated, an A is just three sticks.

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it.

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.

We are all here for a spell, get all the good laughs you can.

Well, if she was dumb enough to marry you, she'll believe anything.

What a fine weather today! Can't choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course.

What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobodys perfect so I stopped practicing.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet.

When you're drowning you don't think, 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would notice I'm drowning and come and rescue me.' You just scream.

When you're thirty you're old enough to know better, but still young enough to go ahead and do it.

Women are made to be loved not understood.

Writing is a way of talking without being interrupted.

You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans.

You can't get spoiled if you do your own ironing.

You can't produce a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

You live but once; you might as well be amusing.

You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down

[Meeting Aliens] Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!